Finding the right partner in life~ arguably the most important decision you will ever make. It is the 1 human you will spend more time with than anyone else in your lifetime. It can make you, it can break you. There is so much that plays into who you are attracted to and why and it changes as you evolve, emerge, mature. Sitting comfortably in a 15 year marriage, 17 year relationship, I have watched all sorts of things happen to friends and acquaintances over the course of relationships.
There was the guy who struggled to commit to marriage, finally did, but still struggled to commit and the wedding was called off.
There was the guy who just wasn't in love with her, she knew it, she didn't want to live that way, she left him.
There was the guy who cheated with the nanny because he was too insecure to handle his wife's success.
There was the guy who cheated with a co-worker because he was too insecure to handle his wife's success.
There was a guy who micro-managed his wife, took her credit cards from her, cheated on her, because he was too insecure to handle his wife's success.
There was the gal who discovered that she was in love with a woman, and it wasn't fair to her husband, so in fairness, she left him.
You are starting to get my drift. Divorce happens in many shapes and sizes and no one, going into marriage, predicts or assumes the D-word as an outcome. Partner selection, being a 100% emotional decision, means that logic, practicality, and intuition play no role. Mesh that with the fact that we change and evolve as humans and not always together, in tandem, in sync with our partner, it is understandable as to why divorce is prevalent. So, how do you know going in what the odds of success will be? How do you find the needle in a haystack? How do you pick the right partner, making the most important decision of your life?
First, don't rush the process, don't force the issue. If he's just not that into you, he's just not that into you. Don't waste your time.
Look for red flags, but throw away your check-list. My husband met nothing on my checklist and we've been happily together for 17 years.
Pressure test their need for power. I've watched some of my most successful girlfriends get cheated on because their partner felt powerless in the shadow of their success. My husband would love nothing more than for me to be the bread winner, and I spent many years as such, he has no feelings of insignificance based on the fact that I was achieving more financial success than him. I've learned, this trait is not consistent amongst all men.
If he cheats on you while dating, he will cheat on you while married, simple as that.
Forget looks, looks come and go, find someone you love spending time with, a best friend, a partner who enjoys doing the same things you love doing. When the kids are out of the house, you are left with that human.
Make sure there is laughter and happiness between the two of you, that trickles down to your children and your pets.
Make sure the sex is good. It will only get harder as life's challenges take course, sex = good marriage. Scratch that, make sure the sex is great!
So, I'll leave you with the amazing examples:
Me, I've been married for 15 years. We lost twins at 6 1/2 months pregnant, we have had highs and lows financially, we have lost parents, we have moved states twice. We have 2 amazing children, still laugh, love, ski hard, bike fast, enjoy life, and yes, we have great sex.
A gal who has re-written, re-invented her career, 3 times WITH her husband, not to mention a state-to-state move and 2 amazing kids.
A gal who has been through more fertility than humanly possible but has an amazing business, and 3 gorgeous children.
A gal who has endured a double mastectomy, has a diabetic daughter, and still skis fast and loves hard.
A gal who loved her work so much, but her family more, she gave it up to be a MOM and volunteers her time to get girls outside.
Ok, so you are off the to the races badasses. Go find that amazing partner, ditch the dick, LOVE and LIVE.
Happy Valentine's Day!